the heart to hustle

Anyone can worry about love and marriage and money and death. The heart to hustle is everything. You lose that? Now you got real problems, not getting old, having kids and a family, getting rid of your kids and your family, crawling around sniffing for the next nickel. Everyone has those problems. Maybe you have to throw everything away and become the strange foreigner with the glint in his eye in bars, I mean coffeeshops in some weird country to keep that hardon for life. Perhaps you have to lock the door at work and stare yourself in the eye in the spotty bathroom mirror and say out loud “I have wasted my time on earth” after flushing the toilet to cover the sound of your voice just so you can feel all that weight fall off. Maybe beautiful people are the reason you get out of bed every morning and you have a feeling when you chase the world with your tongue hanging out of your head you’re actually chasing them or at least the opportunity to become one of them even though you probably already had plenty of them and probably already are one of them. Be Axl Rose and use that illusion. You might have to destroy everything you thought was important but had a sneaking suspicion isn’t. But if you try to press that big red cartoon button and that cartoon bead of sweat rolls down your cartoon face, that means something. Some things you think should be given up on actually shouldn’t, and this is the gamble. But if you remotely like you, and you conclude losing this stupid dream means you lose you, you must now shift to build mode, forever, until your stupid idea you wasted your life on is real. It’s your dream but it’s also a dream, which means nobody else can see it, especially something that was already going so badly you almost considered ending it, and nobody is going to help you, at least not in a way you’ll immediately understand. And if you spend your best years failing at something all the normal people told you not to do, good luck sneaking into class like you weren’t thirty years late. If you got this far down this paragraph, it means you’re a freak. For you, trying is not enough. You must win.